06.02.11 PM SERMON Christ and Christian Relationships # 2
In the family (Col 3:18-21) Paul’s directives (Colossians 3:18-21)
This evening we’re going to look at what the apostle Paul has to say about some of the relationships within the Christian family – his instructions to the Colossians for Wives, Husbands, Children and Fathers.
Scripture teaches us that within the family, the relationship between the husband and the wife is pivotal – their relationship, good or poor, affects everything else in family life – so he begins with them …
1. Wives : submission (v18)
Paul writes, “Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.”
Now, these words have been the subject of so much misunderstanding over the years which has led to much unwarranted, arrogant and abusive behaviour on the part of men and much grief and suffering on the part of women. We need to read these words of Paul, his instruction, with great care.
The first thing to make clear is that Paul addresses Christian wives, not women in general. Here is a directive which has to do with the Christian marriage relationship – not the role of women in society in general.
The word “Submit” that Paul uses here is not about subjugation and inferiority as some have made out.
Scripture does not teach that the wife is inferior to the husband, neither in submitting, is she made inferior, just as Jesus, who submits to his Father, is not inferior or made inferior to the Father, but is equal to, in value and in worth - as Jesus submits to the Father, this does not make him less than the Father.
Indeed, in scripture we are taught that every Christian is told to submit to one another, and that Christian citizens are to submit to the governing authorities, and that church members are to submit to church leaders. None of these carry with them the implication that the one submitting is of lesser value, or is second best.
To ‘submit’ in such relationships means to take one’s rightful and respectful place in the relationship, to humbly serve, to be opposed to self-assertion.
It is a word which is connected with the mathematical idea of order.
It is not about seeking more power or a ‘better position’.
Though it can carry the notion of obedience, it is not synonymous with it.
Submission is a much broader term than obedience.
It is to give yourself to another and to follow the example of Jesus, who though equal with God, did not cling to his divine honours, but willingly humbled himself and became a human being, surrendering himself even to death on a cross.
Paul here is inviting wives to voluntarily submit themselves to their husbands, just as Christ voluntarily gave himself for his church.
That is why submission is ‘fitting in the Lord’. It is consistent with the pattern he set.
As Paul writes this instruction we need to remember what has happened. The gospel had resulted in women discovering a status and liberty which was denied them in Judaism as well as anywhere in the ancient world.
They were now full and equal members of the Christian community with roles and responsibilities alongside men which exceeded anything they had known before.
But the New Testament hints that some women were not handling this new found liberty wisely and there was beginning to be a breakdown in relationships, through a lack of restraint, respect and decorum.
This was bringing shame upon the Christian community.
So, Paul reminds wives of their role within marriage, family life and church life.
Now, I also need to make clear that the notion of submission in scripture does not imply that the one to whom it is offered has the right to behave in a domineering way, to extract unreasonable obedience or to demean, degrade, abuse and humiliate the one who is submissive. Such a person must also recognise that they are ‘in the Lord’ and behave appropriately, to act as Christ Jesus would.
Richard Foster points out that submission has its limits. “The limits of the discipline of submission are at the points at which it becomes destructive. It then becomes a denial of the law of love as taught by Jesus and is an affront to biblical submission.”
Paul is not encouraging mindless and unquestioning obedience on the part of the wife, whatever unreasonable demands the husband makes.
The husband does not have the authority to extract the submission from his wife – it is to be offered, else it is not biblical, loving, submission that is fitting in the Lord.
Paul writes, to the Ephesians, “Submit to one another out of reverence to Christ.” – Submission is not a one-way street – it is a mutual consensual act.
So just as there is a command for the wife to ‘submit’ to the husband, the husband must also ‘submit’ to the wife, as they fulfil their redeemed roles in marriage and in the family, in Christ.
Because of the Fall, marriage and family roles became distorted and damaging – infected by sin and the elements of power, hierarchy, abuse and pride.
But through Christ Jesus, they can be healed and restored.
Submission leads us towards freedom. It frees us from the need to assert ourselves, to prove ourselves, to be in the right, to defend our corner, to hold on to resentments, to get our own back when we’ve been wronged.
It leads us to offering ourselves, fully and humbly and thankfully to be of service to others.
Proper and fitting mutual submission in the Lord builds strong and healthy marriages, families and churches. It is the refusal to submit that divides and destroys.
2. Husbands : love (v19)
Paul’s command to wives to submit to their husbands is matched by the equally demanding (perhaps more demanding) command to husbands, ‘to love your wives and do not be harsh with them’.
The word here used for love is ‘agapao’ –a self-sacrificing, undeserving, all encompassing love.
Paul writes to the Ephesians about this love in this way: that husbands are to love their wives “just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her …”
This is an ultimate love, a love which gives of its all.
Such a love between a man and a woman is deeper than affection, goes well beyond friendship or companionship, it isn’t defined purely in terms of sexual or romantic feelings – though all these elements may be a part of it.
This love is defined by the way in which Christ voluntarily gave up his own rights and status and offered himself as a humble servant and a willing sacrifice on our behalf.
The husband is called to love his wife in this kind of a way.
Her interests are the ones that are to come before his own.
Paul gives a practical aspect to this command with the words, “do not be harsh with them”.
He is saying that the Christian husband is to behave differently from the model that is offered him in society, and that was custom in the ancient world.
In Paul’s time, the husband had the right to treat his wife in the way that he liked.
The man was a powerful figure in the marriage and the family, whereas she was of secondary importance in society.
But the Christian husband was to use this position of power for love, care, patience, forgiveness, affection and respect. They were not permitted to act in such a way that their wives would become embittered. Husbands were to love their wives and make it easy for them to therefore submit out of their love.
3. Children : obedience (v20)
Paul now turns to the relationships between parents and children.
Children are to obey their parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.
Again, Paul recognises the worth of children within the life of the church – he does not ignore them, but addresses them.
Just as Jesus, the perfect Son, learned obedience and obeyed his Father’s commands, so children are to follow his example.
Obedience marked his life as a Son – it did not cramp his style or stunt his growth.
In fact, it was obedience that brought growth and completeness.
Children are to recognise that they have worth in society. They are to be nurtured and loved and brought up responsibly – encouraged to show proper respect to their parents as a way of demonstrating their own devotion to Christ.
4. Fathers : encouragement (v21)
“Do not embitter your children or they will become discouraged.”
As Tom Wright points out “Children need discipline, so do parents.”
“In Paul’s day the father was a very powerful figure in ‘an almost omnipotent position’. The father had the right of life and death over his children and continued to exercise authority over his children even when they had grown up and married. Although it could be relinquished voluntarily at an earlier time, his jurisdiction did not legally end until the father died. The father controlled financial affairs and determined who the child should marry and could even dissolve a son’s marriage if he so choose. It would have been a frightening situation unless it had been mellowed by the understanding that the bond between the father and the child should be one of ‘reciprocal, dutiful affection’.
This command addressed fathers because of their role in the ancient world, but in today’s world we could see it as a command relevant for both parents.
Parents are to not provoke, irritate or exasperate their children, nor to make them angry.
If they wield power in that way, their children will become discouraged.
The word Paul here uses means more than ‘discouraged’, rather it means “deprived of spirit” – such a child will feel that they don’t matter, they don’t exist, they have no worth or value.
Rather parents will want their child to grow to full potential, using all the gifts and abilities that God has given for his glory.
Children are not to be treated as an inconvenience but as a precious gift from God.
They are to be cared for in an atmosphere of affection, positive love and encouragement – to be given time and attention, wise and consistent advice and discipline. They are to be nurtured so that they might trust and respect their parents.
Parents in today’s society are tempted to substitute their children for things, work, money, status.
The Christian home is one where children can grow emotionally, spiritually, know security and safety, and know they are of value and worth.
Bill Clinton said, “The most difficult job in the world is not being President. It’s being a parent.”
God gives grace to those who seek it.
This household charter that Paul gives, as I have said, can easily be taken out of context and abused.
But if understood correctly and followed, if wives submit and husbands love, if children obey and parents do not provoke, if it is all done in the context of the Lordship of Christ, here is a recipe for the creation of a united, harmonious and attractive Christian home.
But this is not a formula that can be imposed on others outside of Christ, for here is a way of living which only makes sense, and can only be lived out, when its participants have subjected themselves first and foremost to Christ Jesus. Here is a way of life which is only possible as his Holy Spirit renews us in the image of Christ.
May we aim to follow Paul’s advice, to heed God’s commands, so that Christ may be attractive for others in our family and in our communities. Amen.